Today I turn 57 years old.
I’m quite certain I say more or less the same thing, every year, but I never seem to know what to do with the number in question. More so than ever, though, that number is one I’m pointedly not excited about. What’s that line from Pink Floyd? “Shorter of breath … and one day closer to death!” Yeah, cheers, fellas.
In any case, being that it was only 364 days ago since I filled out this stupid survey, I thought I’d mix it up, this time. There’s a singer/songwriter I quite admire named Amy Rigby (who I had the pleasure of interviewing here) who recently filled out a questionnaire from a magazine called .. ahem … The Oldster. Not that I’m in any way comparable with lovely Ms. Rigby (whose music, by the way, you need to go check out), but I figured I’d poach those questions for my own use. I went out of my way not to read Amy’s answers, lest they influence my own. I’m now curious to read hers to see how aligned with my own they might be.
So, here we go. Seatbelts on, kids … it’ll probably get bumpy.
How old are you?
I am now 57.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
Someone asked me this the other day. In much the same way I regularly forget that the 1990s were three decades ago, I seem to still assume that I’m in my 40’s, when that’s clearly not the case.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I don’t think I know how being 57 is supposed to feel. It certainly sounds old. I would say I certainly feel older than I did, say, two years ago. The onset of certain physical limitations and the increase in various pills and vitamins I’ve been instructed to pop every morning has certainly served to remind me that I’m older. When I speak with my peers about it, everyone seems to tell a comparable story, so I suppose I’m indeed in step and “coming right along” with everyone else.
What do you like about being your age?
Ummmmm … not very much. I seem to live in a young person’s world, which renders many of my interests, observations, enthusiasms, reminiscences, and contributions to proceedings somewhat moot. Yeah, I can assert that I got to see all the good bands, and all that, but fewer and fewer people seem to care about that stuff
What is difficult about being your age?
I think the primary difficulty, as alluded above, is the physical cost of activities I used to take for granted. I mean, I’ve had tinnitus in my right ear for 25 years, now, so I’ve more or less adapted to that compromise, but the foot problems that appeared in the last two years, for me, have been a real bummer. I haven’t really slowed down – I logged over 30K steps the other weekend – but the seeming impunity I used to feel in that capacity is sorely missed. Simply put, not being able to do things I used to do with ease is a drag, and I don’t expect that to improve, alas.
What is surprising about being your age, or different from what you expected, based on what you were told?
I remember just before our first child was born; I had this sort of vague notion that the birth of my daughter would come with this giant hypodermic needle full of weapons-grade maturity that would jolt me into being a responsible adult. Suffice to say, that didn’t happen, and I spent much of my kids’ infancies wondering when the real grown-ups were going to show up and handle proceedings. Similarly, I think I expected to be a bit wiser, more measured and relaxed about things as a man of 57, when I’m basically just as stupid, erratic, and perpetually worried as I’ve always been.
What has aging given you? Taken away from you?
If you’ve spent any time at all on this blog, you know the dreaded N-word – no, not that one, I’m talking about “Nostalgia” – plays a huge role, and that’s only been further fueled by my advancing age. Many of my friends and peers have absolutely zero tolerance for nostalgia, equating it with stasis and rigid conformity, and while I can understand that perspective (if you’re spending all your time looking backwards, you’ll miss what’s up ahead), I made my peace with that conflict a long time ago. By the same token, the cruel irony is that the older I get, the less stuff I’m likely to remember (especially if there’s any genuine correlation between tinnitus and advanced onset dementia, as has been recently postulated). Regardless, one would hope that with age comes wisdom, but there’s more than enough evidence to suggest that that’s simply not a given. If I want to sound defeatist, I’d say aging has made me more cynical and taken away some of my verve and mobility … and hearing, but I really did that last one to myself.
How has getting older affected your sense of yourself, or your identity?
Probably not in good way. Getting older tends to codify and cement certain opinions, notions, and stances that one might otherwise be less strident about. I worry that getting older makes me less open to new things. In terms of my sense of self and identity, the central plank in that campaign, for the last twenty years, has been my role as a father. Now that both of my kids are out of the nest and attending college overseas, that’s taken something of a strange turn. Similarly, as so much of my “identity” seemed to be informed (if not defined) by predilections that are now, at the very least, anachronistic, that’s left me in a transitional phase of sorts, as well. I suppose I’m just in the process of navigating my way as an almost-sexagenarian (look it up – not as exciting as it sounds).
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you “missed,” and might try to reach later, off-schedule, according to our culture and its expectations?
I don’t know that I think of impending events like that (i.e. as “milestones”). I’m continuing to watch my children’s progress with all zeal and enthusiasm. Their individual accomplishments are all their own, but I can’t help but feel very proud of both. I look forward to the next chapter with my lovely wife as “empty nesters.” I hope to be around for as much of all the above as I can.
What has been your favorite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
I’m of the opinion that I wasted vast swathes of my life feeling inadequate and agonizing over things that, in hindsight, were not at all founded or worth all that emotional expenditure. As such, it would be tempting to go back and do a “do-over,” were that feasible, but that would invariably alter the trajectory of my life, and I wouldn’t want to change my current course. If I had a favorite age, I’d say my early 30’s. By that point, I’d finally put certain issues behind me and was feeling pretty good about how things were going and where things seemed headed.
Is there someone who is older than you, who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Not really. I know plenty of folks who are older than myself who seem to go out of their way to demonstrate how young-at-heart they are, but I don’t expect to go that route. I’m already something of a curmudgeon, so I don’t imagine that will change a great deal. By no means would I call him an “idol” in absolutely any capacity, but my late father was fortunate enough to still be quite active in his final years and had no inkling of his swiftly impending demise. As it’s been explained to me, he died behind the wheel of a car on his way to a tennis lesson. There was no one else in the car and, mercifully, no one else on the road. He had some sort of heart episode and was dead before the car made any impact. I know that seems grim, but that sounds a helluva lot better than losing your memory and/or gradually eroding in a hospital bed. I mean, I have no plans of ever playing tennis in later life or any of that bullshit, but it shows he clearly was still enjoying himself and looking forward to stuff.
What aging-related adjustments have you recently made, style-wise, beauty-wise, health-wise?
Well, I now take a battery of six (6) goddamn pills, every morning. Two are for my blood pressure. One is for my cholesterol. One is for my rosacea, which doesn’t seem to work. One is a vitamin B complex and the last is a vitamin C thing with zinc. I’m not in a rush to add to this list. “Beauty”-wise, I cannot say that I’ve ever been less pleased with my own presentation but am uncertain how one rectifies that. This is what I look like. This is the way my hair comes out of my head. This is how my physiognomy is arranged. I am locked inside this particular vehicle, for better or worse. I periodically endeavor to lose weight via cutting down on certain vices, but I am readily a slave to bad habits. At the very least, I make it a point to walk as far and as often as I can, which now comes with a price.
What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make, and why?
There’s a British expression, “Needs Must,” which I tend to adhere to. For example, I didn’t want to forsake all my other shoes for Bondi 8 Hokas (the “most cushioned” shoe of that brand’s formidable line-up), but the difference they have made on simply my everyday existence has been pronounced. I still think they look like dreadful clown shoes, but when I wear them, my feet don’t hurt nearly as much. Would I love to go back to Nike Dunk-Lows, Converse Chuck Taylor high-tops and clunky Doc Martens? Certainly, but I’d probably be in agony, all the time. Can’t have that.
In terms of adjustments that I am reluctant to make, I am reminded of something I wrote on this stupid blog, two decades ago, about planning to continue to wear silly band t-shirts “well into my forties!” I’m now in my LATE FUCKING FIFTIES and am still doing so. Not sure where that’s going to take me, but I cannot seem to give it up.
What turn of events had the biggest impact on your life? What took your life in a different direction, for better or worse?
Without a doubt, getting married and having children had the biggest impact, and that impact happily continues. That’s been the defining element of my life, but, of course, there have been others.
There was a short-but-arduous stretch of years in the mid-2010’s when, for my wife and I, the hits just kept coming, starting with the death of my father and then the death of my father-in-law. That was followed by me losing my job, and then a member of my family being diagnosed with a serious medical condition, only to be followed by the death of my mother-in-law, my wife losing her job and then my stepfather dying, all within a very short span of months. The emotional, physical, and psychological toll taken by this chapter of our lives remains indelible to this day.
What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?
There are multiple things I regret, but not one, big, single thing that haunts me. There are countless problems I could have handled with a bit more grace, finesse, and courage, but I was young, stupid, and suffered from a pronounced lack of confidence. Looking back, if I could do anything differently, I would try to convince the younger iteration of myself to grow a thicker skin and worry less about stupid shit that ultimately did not matter, in the grand scheme of things. But that can’t be done.
What is high up on your “bucket list?” What do you hope to achieve, attain, or plain enjoy before you die?
I’m just not a “bucket list” guy. I don’t live that way. I mean, sure, it would be super-fun to visit certain points on the globe I’ve never been to like Iceland or Prague, but it’s not like I’m not going to sleep at night until I’ve checked those off some list. I’m more or less resigned to the fact that I’ll probably never get to places like Egypt or Australia or Japan, but who knows? I never expected to go to Beirut, but I did that a few years ago (luckily before the blast and … everything that’s happening now).
In terms of what I hope to achieve/attain/enjoy before I die, I – again – don’t really live my life with those sorts of expectations. I hope to sustain a safe, comfortable, and happy home for my wife and my two children. I look forward to both of their lives taking further shape. I hope to watch them both graduate from their respective schools and pursue fulfilling careers for themselves. It seems entirely bizarre, at this point, to consider, but I am hopeful of the idea of them starting families of their own and maybe, one day, having a grandchild. I think I would greatly enjoy that.
Is there a piece of advice you were given, that you live by? If so, what was it, and who offered it to you?
My grandfather on my mother’s side was unfailingly punctual. He advised me to always be on time. It’s efficient, professional, saves you extra stress and demonstrates respect. I took that to heart and still swear by it.
What are your plans for your body when you’re done using it? Burial? Cremation? Body Farm? Other? And what do you expect to happen to your “soul” or “spirit” after you die?
Jeezus, what on earth is a “body farm”? Sounds like a horror film.
At this stage of proceedings, I have absolutely no preference. I used to joke about wanting a Viking funeral, wherein my corpse is put in a canoe and set out on the water, after which comrades on shore shoot flaming arrows into it and drink heartily as my remains sail/immolate on my way to Valhalla. That sounds pretty good.
What’s your philosophy on celebrating birthdays as an adult? How do you celebrate yours?
Birthday celebrations, this late in the day, so to speak, make me sort of uncomfortable. Despite the long-winded laboriousness of all the paragraphs you just suffered through, I don’t really relish being the center of that particular variant of attention. I don’t need any presents or purple-prosed praise. I’d much rather have a friend stand up and tell some embarrassing anecdote about me behaving like an irresponsible jackass than someone extolling my arguable merits upon the occasion of my birthday. I get stressed out by perceived expectations in that scenario. A surprise party is my complete idea of absolute Hell. By the same token, there is absolutely nothing on this earth worse, for me, that unthinkingly hurting my beautiful wife’s feelings, and when she’s trying to do something nice for me, I too often dismiss her idea with a brusque shudder, which …among many other things … makes me a complete friggin’ jerk. So, whether I’m totally on board or not, I am regularly treated to birthday celebrations – of which I am and remain entirely undeserving.
Recent Comments