Flaming Pablum

What's Spanish for 'Vertigo'?

A fellow member of the Gathering passed this clip on, and I thought it was too cool not to pass on. Originally built in 1901, this walkway now serves as an approach to Makinodromo, the famous climbing sector of El Chorro, the limestone gorge in Andalusia in southern Spain. You couldn't pay me to walk this.

10 Things Not To Do While Waiting in a Line

I stop into the same place for breakfast every weekday morning. It's on the ground floor of my office's building, and it's virtually identical to seven or eight other grab'n'go eateries that line the block with names like "The Bread Factory" and "Global Pantry" etc. These spots cater to the surrounding neighborhood's nation of on-the-go bullpen drones like myself who tend to always be in a hurry to scramble back to their desks. It's not a deli and it's not a not fast-food joint, but it arguably features the best of both worlds. Even though I tend to get in there on the early side, there's almost always a line in front of me. This morning was no exception, although at the front of this morning's line, there was a little drama unfolding.

"I've changed my mind, Tico," she exclaimed from behind the register, shooting the guy in front of me a steely glare over a dramatic pause, "about EVERYthing!" Tico, in his oversized basketball jersey, low-slung shorts and massive Nikes looked crestfallen. Clutching what looked like the key to his office's communal men's room and a pair of swiftly-cooling egg sandwiches, he struggled for a retort. From the speakers above, Ricky Martin trilled incongruously about livin' "La Vida Loca" as if 1999 had never left us. I, meanwhile, stood behind poor Tico with my pint of milk and cereal carton, waiting to pay, eat my breakfast, go to work and get the hell on with my life. But no, I had to wait because Tico had broken a fundamental rule: never fall in love with the checkout girl.

Let's face it, no one likes to wait in a line, but seemingly more often than not, we all have to do it. Whether it's to buy your breakfast or deposit a check or renew your driver's license or board an airplane or to pick up a newspaper or buy some groceries or get Iron Maiden tickets or enter a movie theatre, sooner or later you're going to have to get in line. Sure, there are times when lines are pointless. If you stand in line to get into a bar, club or restaurant here in New York City, I'm sorry, but you're an idiot. In a city with this many options, one shouldn't wait in line to get in anywhere, unless the fuckin' Beatles are playing in a rare, post-death appearance. And if you stand in line to get cupcakes from the Magnolia bakery on Bleeker & West 11th or the stupid Shake Shack in Madison Square, you should be pelted with rocks and garbage.

In any case, while I freely admit to being super uptight and having an inordinate amount of hang-ups and pet-peeves, bad line etiquette is something that really sends me into orbit. So as a helpful heads-up to those who may still be confused or simply oblivious as to what not to do while waiting in line to procure goods or services (and there's evidently a whole lot of you), herewith a handy list:

10. Don't Cut the Line - Seriously, if you cut the line, you're subhuman and should be hogtied and bayonetted. It's indefensible. I don't care if you're in a hurry. Ya think the rest of us having nothing better to do and are just standing here for our health? Don't be a selfish jackass. Get on the end of the line like everyone else had to.

9. Respect Personal Space - Okay, I know you're as impatient as I am and we're all in a rush to get through this, but there's really no need for you to be close enough for me to feel your breath on the back of my neck every time you exhale in abject frustration. Give me -- and yourself -- some elbow room.

8. Don't Leave the Line & Expect Me to Hold Your Spot if You Didn't Ask Me First - I'll be more than happy to let ya back in if you forgot to go grab that bag of frozen peas, so long as you're considerate enough to ask first and execute the mission in a timely fashion. Don't presume that I'm just going to let you back in. No one's that special. Bring a grocery list next time.

7. Don't Eat It If You Haven't Paid For It Yet - Okay, this one really makes me crazy and it's something that's caused major arguments around the dinner table with my in-laws when it was brought up. In my opinion, if you're in line at a deli or grocery store, until you've fully paid for that item, the foodstuff in question is still the property of the damn store, and it's entirely presumptuous, rude and -- frankly -- disgusting to open it and start munching until you've paid for it. It's not a buffet, for cryin' out loud. Have a little restraint, patience and consideration for the merchant, would ya?

6. Be Prepared - Okay, so you've been waiting in line like the rest of us and you're tired of standing and have a million other things to go and do. Fine. Still, you had plenty of time while waiting to formulate whatever query you were there to solve. When you reach the front of the line, you should know exactly what to ask and have answers for anything they might, in turn, ask of you. If you don't, you're wasting your own and -- worse yet -- everyone else's time. Learn to plan ahead. And while you're at it....

5. Make Up Your Mind - Similar to the last point, you've been waiting and should have a reasonably clear idea of what it is you're after. Don't wait until you're in the front of the line to waffle about and mull your choices over. Make a clear decision before hand, ask for it and execute the damn transaction already. You're holding everyone up otherwise.

4. Don't be a Special Orderer - Life is not a Burger King ad. Nine times out of ten, special orders do upset everyone. Stop being a little prima donna and keep your anal-retentive substitutions to yourself. If it matters so much to you, you should make your own lunch. Order something that's on offer. Pay for it. Collect it and get the hell out

3. Don't Pay for Small-Ticket Items with Plastic - I expect a lot of pushback on this one, but really -- are you a fuckin' Rockefeller? Don't buy gum with a credit card. Seriously. Even if it only takes three extra minutes for the print-out, if I have to wait for you to swipe and sign off for a pack of Chicklets, I'm hiring a bounty hunter to come and maim you. You must have some small change in your wallet. Save the credit card for the big purchases, Ivanka.

2. Don't Be Blabbing on a Cell Phone When You Reach the Front of the Line - Ever work behind a cash register or a public service counter of any kind? It ain't fun. In some instances, it's dehumanizing. So why compound that potential humiliation by not even having the fucking decency to give the person manning that station your full attention? And why make them listen to the inane details of your ridiculous little life? Whomever you're talking to can wait. Settle up first and call them back when you're done

... and last but not least.

1. Don't Make People Wait Behind You When You're Wasting Your Money on Lottery Tickets - Look, it's your money. I don't care if you want to blow your nose with it or light it on fire or wipe your dog's ass with it or buy Lotto tickets with it (it's all the same thing, really), but for the love of fuckin' God, let the people with a modicum of respect for their earnings go ahead of you. I would rather see you buying transgressive barnyard pornography and happily wait my turn than see you throw your cash away (while making me wait) for Lotto tickets. You're not going to win. If you're so desperate to part with your money, I'll happily take it from you, but don't tie up everyone's day by making them wait while you dictate a string of Ouija Board-determined digits to the poor guy behind the counter.

News I Can't Use

The Good:
- This story is just completely awesome.
- And this review-of-a-review is entirely hilarious.

The Bad:
- First Indiana Jones, now Axel Foley?
- Condi joins Kiss Army. I become a conscientious objector.

The Ugly:
- This is just embarassing.
- This story is just way too depressing.

Shepard Fairey Going Blind?

I spotted this item on Gawker this evening and initially assumed that it was a gag or innuendo, but it seems like it could be legit. Shepard Fairey, the street artist/graphic designer behind the still ubiquitous OBEY GIANT series/movement/campaign, is reportedly losing his eyesight due to a life-long struggle with diabetes. If this is true, it's a sad story indeed.

I first began spotting the OBEY posters in Soho in the early 90's, and initially assumed it had something to do with a band. I enjoyed the cryptic nature of the message and the imagery, and became a fan of the man's work, going on to purchase a few of his prints. In more recent times, the OBEY campaign has taken on a more commercial presence. You're more likely to see Fairey's artwork on t-shirts worn by teenagers than sprawled on Manhattan walls (I must confess to owning a couple of his t-shirts myself, lest you think I'm passing judgement). Fairey's made quite a name for himself, though popular opinion seems divided on the merit of his work. Personally speaking, I have nothing but admiration for the man, and I'm shocked and saddened to hear of his predicament.

Good luck, Shepard.

THIS JUST IN: Fairey says he's not going blind after all , despite having "the bleeds" in both eyes. Ewwww!

More News I Can't Use

- Mariah Carey is taking over the Empire State Building here in New York, like the raging, monstrous primate she so truly is.

- Miley Cyrus is now officially worth $1 Billion dollars. Shame on you, America. Oh, and she's also writing her memoirs.... at age 15.

- Ben Stein is -- evidently -- giving the notion of "Intelligent Design" some credence, and is pissing off Yoko Ono in the process. I don't really have a dog in this race, but I used to kinda think that Stein was a smart guy. Oh well.

- Creepy creationist Mike Huckabee is writing a book about his failed presidential campagin. Dude, that happend like, what, five minutes ago. Do we really need a book about it?

Indisputable Facts

Three things that make the world a better, brighter, funnier place:

1. Kiss make-up

2. Unsolicited impersonations of Sean Connery's accent.

3. Doing very silly things dressed as an Imperial Stormtrooper

(thanks to C-Monster)

Rant Over?

I was sad to learn this morning that yet another of my very favorite blogs here on ye olde interweb is closing up shop. I discovered Copyranter -- one frustrated copywriter's tirelessly entertaining vivisection of the advertising world -- a year or so ago, and it's been a source of reliable hilarity ever since. For one reason or another, he's pulling the plug. Go check it out now while it's still there.

News I Can't Use

Herewith a short list of news items of the day that I just do not give a rolling rat fuck about:

1. Who Bruce Springsteen -- or any musician, really -- is endorsing. If your vote is swayed by the recommendations of your favorite musician, you're an idiot.

2. Whether or not Marilyn Monroe made a sex tape. Didn't the poor woman suffer enough while she was alive? Let's all move on, shall we?

3. Whether Kobe Bryant actually jumped over an Aston Martin or not. Wake me when one hits him.

4. Whether or not Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with the insipid offspring of the equally vacuous Pete Wentz. If so, I think she’s astonishingly stupid – even for a Simpson -- and setting a reprehensible example, but don’t ask me to give a damn about it.

5. Who is going home tonight on ‘Idol’.

6. Absolutely *anything* that the Pope might have to say.

10 Things I Would Outlaw

1. Gratuitous disregard for deodorant

2. Unsolicited covers of Duran Duran songs by deplorably unworthy artists.

3. Charity Mugging

4. Miley Cyrus

5. 'American Idol'

6. Playing techno and house music in restaurants (or anywhere) where there is no dance floor

7. Those dog-leash-on-a-reel things (amen, Joel!)

8. Ironic mustaches on formerly godlike post-punk troubadours

9. Those incredibly irritating freecredit.com ads featuring that singing schmuck

10. These dumb-ass glasses

There will be more. Oh yes!

Coming Right Along

I’ve been fielding lots of nice notes from friends and readers here about my new job, wishing me well and asking me how it’s going so far. While I’m not about to disclose any details about the gig in question, I will say that I’m gradually settling in. I got my phone all set up and everything earlier this week, and today they even gave me my own bathroom key. As it turned out, the key in question ended up being for the ladies room, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Besides, earlier this afternoon, I was able to compose and publish the following headline:

Man dressed as Satan rides giant guitar

Clearly, life could be worse.