Today is my birthday.
At the risk of repeating myself, 56 is not a number I am especially psyched-up about. I wasn’t thrilled with 55, either, but at least that was smack in the middle of this group of ten. Now I’m irretrievably closer to 60 than I was to 50, and that just sucks, frankly. Now I realize, it’s all relative and Ted Nugent – of all fucking people – once sagely said “It’s not how old you are, it’s how you are old,” but lemme tell ya – 56 feels old. I feel old. I’m tired all the time. My feet always hurt. The list of things I shouldn’t be eating is as long as my arm. I’m practically deaf. I feel guilty all the time. It sucks. Turning 56 sucks. That’s what I have to say about it.
But, anyway, it being my birthday, I found this stupid survey online, so figured I should take it. Here we go…
Birthday Questions for Adults
1.) If your life had a theme song for the past year, what would it be?
At the risk of complementing the increasingly unreasonable Roger Waters, I feel like “Time” by ye olde Pink Floyd would kind of sum it up. Every year is getting shorter/Never seem to find the time/Plans that either come to naught/or half a page of scribbled lines…
2.) If you could have any superpower until your next birthday, what would it be?
The power to make certain individuals explosively soil themselves at pointedly inconvenient times just by thinking about them.
3.) If you could trade lives with a celebrity for one day on your birthday, who would it be and why?
That would mean I’d miss my own birthday. No thanks.
4.) Be a fortune teller and predict one thing that will happen before your next birthday?
If I was a particularly optimistic fortune teller, I’d predict that Trump will get sent to the fucking slammer, but … we’ll see, I guess.
5.) Create a new holiday in honor of your birthday. What would you call it?
Don’t-Recline-Your-Seat Day
6.) If you could be a kid again on your birthday, what would you do?
I honestly can’t say. Maybe run around without getting tired.
7.) Which 3 historical figures would you invite to your birthday dinner and why?
Robert Moses, Jane Jacobs and Lemmy. It would be interesting to hear their discussion. And Lemmy makes everything cooler and funnier.
8.) If you created a time capsule to open on your next birthday, what 3 things would you put in it?
Three large bags containing sizable sums of money.
9.) If you could teleport anywhere on your birthday, where would you go to?
Why do I need to teleport?
10.) If you had to create a reality tv show based on this past year, what would it be called and why?
I wouldn’t. The world has too many shitty reality TV shows. It would be a grave disservice to make another one.
11.) If you could have any celebrity join your birthday party who would it be and why?
If Iggy Pop wanted to swing by, that would be most enjoyable.
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