Lame Duck Soup

In the (almost) wake of the bona fide “American carnage” of the Trump Administration (333,000 Americans dead from COVID-19, at most recent count), as we plod through the disgruntled soon-to-be-ex president’s Lame Duck period, it seems a disarming swath of the nation still clings to the fallacy of Trump’s oft-propagated greatness. While, yes, I do indeed live in the allegedly enlightened bubble of New York City (trust me, we still have our fair share of idiots here), I do still have a reasonably varied spectrum of individuals in my social-media feeds, and one of them forwarded on the letter below, appended with a earnest “thank you” at the top.

See if you can get through it without laughing out loud...

I thought it might be prudent to do a bit of fact checking. My notes are in red.

Dear President Trump, - He’s not dear to me, but to each their own.

I want to take a minute to say thank you. - I don’t. Neither should you. 

Regardless of the outcome of this election (Biden won, just to be clear, and there really ought to be a comma after “election,” so I’m putting one in), you deserve my gratitude (no, he doesn’t. He deserves your scrutiny and your ire).

Thank you for not plunging my brothers and sisters into another war - Ummmm…. Trump did more needlessly impulsive saber-rattling than any modern President in my lifetime, going well out of his way to threaten key countries with bellicose bombast. That we managed to escape military escalation in those instances is more a testament to the restraint of the global community than of any prudent diplomacy on Trump’s part.

Thank you for walking through HELL and back for the American people. - Yeah, he didn’t do that. If anything, he blithely strolled in the opposite direction while letting the American people languish in it. Be ashamed.

Thank you for doing it for free. - Nope. As of September, it was reported that Trump raked in $1.9 billion in revenue during his first three years in office, maintaining ownership of his assets when he informed the nation he was recusing same.

Thank you for working through the night while my family was tucked safely in bed. - As reported by Business Insider, last Thursday was Trumps’ 317th golf-course visit during his presidency — he was on the putting green instead of addressing the terrorist explosion in Nashville and letting crucial unemployment insurance benefits lapse before finally signing the relief bill.

Thank you for standing strong and staring adversity in the face. — Yeah, that didn’t happen.

Thank you for keeping GOD in the country I love — I don’t believe faith was ever in any significant danger of subsiding in the country during Trump’s four years, although cognition seems to have taken a sharp dive.

Thank you for not backing down when the weight of the world was against you. — Trump’s abject failure to comprehend the concept of political compromise is not to be applauded, as it is a cornerstone of diplomacy and crucial in the sustainment of a functioning democracy. Trump’s penchant for not backing down has more to do with petty stubbornness and narcissism, and less to do with any laudable convictions.

Thank you for putting your family in the line of fire when you didn’t have to — For a start, it’s called nepotism, and it ought to be illegal. Secondly, the fact that Trump would giddily throw any of his own family members under the bus at the slightest whiff of trouble is hardly worthy of commendation.

Thank you for standing up for women. — Bahahahahahahaha. As if.

Thank you for not being a politician. - Well, he certainly wasn’t an effective politician, if that’s what you’re implying.

Thank you for being raw and even sometimes too much. - You’re seriously thanking him for this?

Thank you for standing up or the unborn. - If you genuinely believe Trump’s advocacy for the so-called “Pro-Life” agenda is anything more than brazenly shameless pandering to the Right, you are strenuously gullible.

Thank you for caring about the little guy. — This may be the most egregious line here.

Thank you for working harder than any president in my lifetime ever has. — Once again, last Thursday was Trump’s 317th golf-course visit.

Thank you for your service to this country. - You’re joking, right? After he has maligned veterans, POW’s and Gold Star families (going so far as to insinuate that he caught COVID-19 from them), you thanking him for his service?

Need I continue? Roll on January 20!