A couple of years ago, some of you — especially the scribbly rock geekery contingent — might remember an inadvertently contentious new Tumblr site called My Husband’s Stupid Record Collection. As its title suggests, the concept was pretty simple; the blog’s author — one Sarah O’Halla — would listen to each and every LP from her husband’s apparently sizable record collection and document her thoughts and reactions. When I first heard about it, I thought it was it was kind of a fun idea. Personally speaking, I’m always curious as to how non-devout ears interpret stuff that some of us rock nerds find sacrosanct.
The problem, however, was that to many minds, the blog in question unintentionally reinforced certain misogynist stereotypes. I have several female music critic friends who were positively SEETHING over My Husband’s Stupid Record Collection. While I don’t at all believe Ms. O’Halla intended to fan the flames of this debate, I could totally understand why my friends were upset. As in countless other arenas, it seems to have taken a ridiculously undue amount of years for women to be taken as seriously as their male counterparts in the field of music journalism. More to the point, if you spend any amount of time in the company of established rock journalists (sort of an oxymoron, that) of the male variety, more often than not, they’re dysfunctionally insecure pedants who hide a wealth of deep-seated shortcomings behind an imperious arsenal of trivial factoids about silly bullshit. For writers like Ann Powers, Amy Linden, Maura Johnston, Jeanne Fury and Geeta Dayal (to name a small few), the appearance of O’Halla’s blog arguably undermined years of their work and dedication by perpetuating the virulent notion that girls can only appreciate silly boy bands and/or can’t really comprehend a thing about so-called "real music." If you possess any semblance of cognition, you know that’s a total stack of crap, but these are stupid times we live in.
Anyway, in the immediate wake of that furor, Ms. O’Halla posted a few conciliatory entries designed to allay the concerns detailed above, but continued to compose the blog. Two years later, she’s still at it (she’s going in alphabetical order and is only in the C’s). Like I said, I don’t believe she meant to offend anyone or wilfuly portray her gender in a demeaning light. In the wake of the uproar, though, I thought I’d try to appropriate the crux of her initial concept, but put a bit of spin on it.
By this stage of the proceedings, my kids are well aware that their father is an insufferably opinionated music snob. Having now crossed the perilous chasm into tween-hood, both Charlotte (12) and Oliver (10) now have their own tastes, likes, dislikes and opinions about myriad facets of pop culture, but when it comes to music, they sometimes stop short of expressing their thoughts in front of me, lest — to their minds — they incriminate themselves. Despite my repeated assurances that I’d never come down on them for expressing an affinity for a bit of music I might find unfit for human consumption, they’ve heard me wax vitriolic about any number of artists far too many times. Even if I wanted to discourage them from liking a certain band or song, I couldn’t succeed in that venture no matter how hard I tried. My own parents tried to dissuade me from liking KISS and the Sex Pistols — and boy oh boy, did that backfire on them.
I’ve also poisoned the well and sheepishly become THIS GUY. As a result, my kids may not be able to rattle off song titles by Katy Perry or One Direction, but they sure as shit know Devo, Iggy Pop and the fuckin' SWANS when they hear them. A lot of the time, I think they’re just humoring me, but I know some of my tastes have rubbed off. For much of last summer, Oliver’s favorite song was “New Life” be Depeche Mode.
When I suggested to them the idea of doing something along the lines of My Husband’s Stupid Record Collection, they both thought it sounded fun, but Oliver became swiftly distracted by the pressing need to find a certain LEGO piece and recused himself from the proceedings. Charlotte, however, dove right in and got out her typewriter, taking the assignment on with a great amount of zeal.
I thought that going in alphabetical order was sort of a waste of time, as I don’t really think we’re going to do every one of my discs (suffice to say — there are more than a few). As such, I picked out a couple of discs at random and culled those titles down to a tidy handful. The first album I selected for Charlotte — saying nothing about them or the disc in question in advance nor while spinning it — was The Pink Opaque by the Cocteau Twins. Below is what she had to say, taking it song by song. I did a cursory amount of copy-editing, but it’s otherwise all her. I’m obviously biased, but I was very impressed with her observations.
The Pink Opaque by the Cocteau Twins, as interpreted by Charlotte M. Smith, age 12.
“The Spangle Maker”
At first, I didn’t know that the girl’s voice was the main aspect of the song. It sounded like a background singer a little bit. The beginning sounded just like the beginning of any other song today (just pointing that out). It sounded good and I liked it, but I still thought it sounded like other songs I know and it didn’t strike me as “Gosh, this is different from EVERYthing else!” Also, the girl, Liz Fraser, sounded more like a background singer than a “main” singer. I know you might think differently, but I’m only twelve, and that’s what I thought of the song. By the way, it was “The Spangle Maker,” and it actually reminded me of Siouxsie & the Banshees, their song that was called “Il Est Nes Le Devin Enfant.”
“Millimillenary”
Very interesting. I like the beginning (and my dad probably does too, because he’s humming along). I have no idea what Liz Fraser is really saying, but I like the way it sounds (it reminds me of the beach, in a way). Some people might not like the way I’m describing this, but I like the song even though she could be talking about hippo butts and I didn’t know. It’s a tiny bit repetitive, but what song isn’t?
"Wax and Wane”
The beat is a little weird, as in Liz Fraser — in my ears -- isn’t going along with the sound of the guitar, I think? It’s a bit quick. I think I heard Liz’s voice cracking, but i still sounds very nice, if not slightly repetitive. Sounds a little bit sci-fi. I like the way the song fades away instead of going off all at once. I doesn’t sound exactly relaxing, like the last song, but now I am liking the different aspects of the album! (Sorry this description was pretty short).
"Hitherto”
Sounds dark and deep, I guess. I like the beat and Liz’s voice sailing across the sound of the instruments. It doesn’t sound sad, but like it has a darker meaning to it. I hear many different voices and instruments mixing with Liz’s voice. It also sounds like there are other women singing behind her, ever so quietly, though. So, now we’re in the middle and it sounds a little more light-hearted than before. Still sound very meaningful. I think it ended rather quickly, though. Overall, I like that one very much.
”Pearly Dew Drops Drop”
Sounds ….. like the kind of music you listen to on a long car drive. Something that can lull you to sleep or cause you to stare out the window for hours. I like it. I like the voices mixing together and sounding like one. I like how most of the instruments have kept the same beat from the beginning.
It sounds like something that could almost be background music in a video or documentary. I like how she repeats the same (well, mostly) lyrics from the beginning all the way through. Sometimes, you savor part of a song like a piece of chocolate, and you only listen to get to that one part. But, in this song, the one part you’re usually searching for just keeps repeating, and in a good way.
”From the Flagstones”
It sounds VERY mysterious, and Liz’s voice starts almost immediately. Then there’s a few moments of quiet that let you sort of get into the song. It sounds like a song for fighting for your rights or something. Anyway, it’s repeating the same line, then gets quiet, then it says more stuff, and then repeats some more. It sounds like a song you’d listen to while running, kind of like it’s inspirational in a way. I kind of like the way the drums change their beat toward the end. However, I don’t like the way the song ends. Maybe that’s just because I can’t understand it. But it ends so abruptly, compared to the other songs.
”Aikea-Guinea”
Some aspects sound punk-rock-like, here. And Liz sounds more light-hearted and literally because she’s singing with a lighter touch. And the instruments still match the high voice in a weird way, and it sounds very different from the rest of the album so far. But, also so far, I like it. It some parts, her voice changes, almost like she’s singing a duet at certain points. I LIKE THAT SONG!
”Lorelei”
It sounds like a mix of carnival music, sci-fi, Christmas bells and something else. It sounds hopeful and happy. Like end-of-a-movie music. Like resolution music. And Liz’s voice goes up and down in this. It also sounds like many aspect of LIz’s voice are singing this song, and she keeps repeating the same lines, like she’s humming them to herself, then decides to add music. I think it shows a different side to this album, since the cover is all “This Album Is Full of Dark, Disturbing Music Because We Have Places That Are Dark and Disturbing On the Cover!” I think it’s a nice change, and this album might be open to more people.
”Pepper-Tree”
It sounds sad and mournful, a little bit. As in, it’s not something I’d listen to on a warm, sunny day. It sounds like music you put in a dark, sad section of a movie. Wait! Now it seems to be lightening up just a little bit …. well, scratch the whole sad movie thing. This song has so many emotions baked into it. It would definitely steak my attention [Edit note — I have no idea what this means, but it steaks my attention, too.] I also like how there are so many different instruments. First, I thought this was sad, then happy, then both. Out of nowhere, when you think the song is going to end, some instruments I can’t seem to name break out into the song and fill it with anger. Or is it passion? I can’t even tell. It’s so confusing and different, yet simple all at once. I don’t think it’s my kind of song, but it sounds like she put a lot of work into it, and I admire that.
”Musette and Drums”
Very dark. It sounds …. a bit like the end of that last song. At first, I thought I was just hearing the same song again. But it’s sill very meaningful, and sounds like it took a lot of effort. It sounds like music you’d put in a section of a movie where people are scheming something, like a plan and whatnot. I like the drums as well. The was a very heartfelt song, in my opinion, but again, it sounded like the last one a little bit. Also, it sounded a tad short.
Charlotte enjoyed this very much. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to coax Oliver into the project, but Char is greatly looking forward to the next installment. Stand by.
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