Sure, I know it's a bit rich for someone without a job to be opining about office etiquette and decorum, but after spotting this article on CNN.com recently, I couldn't shake the feeling that they were leaving off a few crucial things. Admittedly, some of these offenses are more egregious than others and maybe some should go without saying, but I thought they warranted at least a mention. So, continuing where Career Builder's Mary Lorenz left off....
11. Don't Finish Off The Coffee Without Making More - We had a firmly established rule in my grade school cafeteria when it came to the draining of the communal milk pitchers, "If You Kill It, You Fill It." I think the same should apply to the office pantry. If you suck down the rest of the company coffee -- even if it tastes like decades-old battery acid -- have the decency to put another pot on. And while we're in the pantry....
12. Don't Leave Your Smelly Food In The Communal Fridge - There are few things as unpleasant, especially first thing in the morning, than reaching into the refrigerator you share with the entirety of your staff to fetch some milk for your coffee and getting a rancid lungful of someone's ancient tuna salad sandwich. Eat it or throw it out, don't let it just erode in the `fridge. And speaking of eating....
13. Don't Eat Needlessly Aromatic Food At Your Desk - Strikes me that many (if not most) offices these days are all controlled environments with windows that do not open. As such -- have a damn heart, would ya? Maybe go for a simple sandwich instead of that hot, piping bowl of tabasco-slathered liver and onions. Everyone will privately thank you for it.
14. Don't Destroy Office Equipment - Yeah, I know that fax machine/laser printer/speaker phone/overhead projector has it coming, but take a deep breath and step back for a moment. These aren't your toys to break.
15. Don't Be A High Volume Potty-Mouth - Nothing quite singularly encapsulates "unprofessional" like screaming "MOTHERFUCKER" at the top of your lungs at the office. Never mind what Dr. Janov might tell you, there's a time and place for primal screaming, and this assuredly ain't it.
16. Don't Befoul The Communal Restroom - I've seen some odd things in office men's rooms in my day; people not flushing (whether deliberate or thoughtless, this is most weird), people leaving the faucets running (I'll never understand that) and people leaving newspapers and magazines on the floors of the stalls. It just seems sort've rudely presumptuous. It's sloppy. And dangerous, kinda (you could slip on the newspaper if you're not looking and crack your cranium open on the porcelain throne). Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it just seems to say: "well, I'm done with this. I'll just leave it here for some lackey to clean up. I'm too important to stoop down and pick it up and carry in the punishing seven feet to the trash can."
17. Don't Be A Nasty Jerk - Okay, you're having a bad day. Fair enough, it happens. But being surly and abusive to your colleagues is assuredly not going to solve any of your problems. And nothing spreads faster than wildfire like ill will. Never be anything less than civil to all and sundry.
18. Don't Fish Off The Company Dock - Lorenz already warned against hitting on your employees and hitting on your boss. I'd take that a step further and say that you shouldn't hit on ANYbody. Not your boss, not your colleagues, not your assistant, not the interns, not the UPS guy, not the cleaning ladies, NOBODY! You're not at the office to find love, and office romances are always a bad idea (and frequently pointedly against company policy). And if you're in one now and think you're being discreet, you're invariably fooling yourselves. And to take this concept one step further....
19. Don't Have Sex In The Office - So you're a thrill seeker, eh? Well find those thrills somewhere else. Go do it in the public library or in a department store or join the Mile High Club. Don't knock boots in the office. Sooner or later, someone will catch you doing it, and no one will be well served by that.
20. Don't Bring Weapons To The Office - Honestly, if you really need me to spell this one out to you, it's probably already too late.
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