Remember Mr. Bubble? That disquietingly pink and over-enthused anthropomorph that pushed bubble-bath soap back when you were a kid? He invaded your bathtub and, ideally, made bathtime fun? Great stuff, right? I'd thought that Mr.Bubble had joined the ranks of Count Chocula, Charlie the Tuna, Tony the Tiger, Quisp (as in "Quisp & Quake"), King Vitamin and the Kool-Aid Kid in the pantheon of beloved advertising mascots I'd never encounter again. But recently, Mr. Bubble has moved back into my life via my daughter (an avowed fan of the product).
Upon re-discovering Mr.Bubble, I was reminded of my old friend (and godfather of my daughter), Charlie. Back in the mid-80's, Charlie used to sport a completely ass-kicking Mr. Bubble t-shirt that I used to covet (this was well before the dawn of retro-kitsch...you honestly couldn't get a Mr.Bubble t-shirt back then unless you went to the source). Nowadays, you can get a knockoff, pre-faded Mr.Bubble t-shirt without without having to leave your damn zip code. Hell, thanks to the internet, you don't even have to put your pants on to get one. They're out there, however inauthentic.
So, I'm in the shower the other morning, blearily dreading the work day ahead, and I spot the bottle of Mr. Bubble. I pick it up, and sure enough -- there's an offer on the back for authentic Mr. Bubble t-shirts.
But it's not that simple. Mr.Bubble, evidently, doesn't just want your money. In order to obtain a Mr.Bubble t-shirt, you are given explicit instructions that must, apparently, be followed to the letter before you're allowed to represent their product by way of a crappy t-shirt. "On a 3"x5" piece of paper," the bottle says, "print your name, address, size(s) and total amount enclosed. Write the 10-digit UPC number for each item purchased. Send the original cash register receipt with Mr.Bubble circled for each item ordered and your check or money order payable to Mr. Bubble. DO NOT SEND CASH. Also, please indicate your blood type and include a lock of your hair, a stool specimen and a semen sample. DO NOT MOCK MR.BUBBLE!"
Okay, so I made up that last bit, but c'mon -- the receipt? The 10-digit UPC number? Who the fuck has time for that? I'm just trying to buy a t-shirt, not taking out a Swiss bank account or adopting a Sri Lankan orphan, why all the anal formalities?
Thing is, though. Now, I really want one. The extra effort needed to procure another bottle of Mr.Bubble (effectively upping the price of the t-shirt from $8.95 to about $12.00) just so I can get the damn receipt in order to PROVE THAT I'M WORTHY AND REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT has made it nigh on irresistible to me.
That little pink bastard has me over the barrell.
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